Sunday, July 13, 2014
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
Sadness
This post is why I should keep the blog private. Because frankly I am full of sad and yuck and self pity. Because I apparently have nothing of any value to offer anyone, and that's why I am lonely and totally friendless at this point. The few friends I once had have all disappeared in the wake of my spiritual implosion, which frankly tells me a lot not only about them, but about Christianity itself. When I disappeared from church over a year ago, not one person called to try and help me, or save me, or council me. If they truly believe in what they say they do...wouldn't they at least try to save me from the hell where they say I'm heading? Am I not worth the trouble of something that important? Apparently not.
The hardest part is that even my mom is pulling away from me, unable to see past my doubts and questions, or maybe just frustrated by her own lack of answers for me, I don't know. So now I am truly left alone, but for my husband and daughter, who thankfully both stand beside me like the rocks that they are, and that really is enough in a way, because they love me so unconditionally.
But the complete rejection from everyone else? It sucks. And it's lonely.
I am without hope today. Yes, I am definitely in one of my down-cycles (helped along, I am sure, by both hormones and the long hard winter we're dealing with, but dark and scary nonetheless) and I just don't see any hope for my future anymore. As long as my mental issues are this strong, what can I do to help make anything better? I very rarely have the wherewithal to even leave the house these days. I desperately want to get a part time job, but for every day I feel strong enough to do that, there are two or three that knock me back down to reality. I want to find new friends, even just one, but I'm unsure of the how or the where or the who. Again...what to I have of value to add to anyone? I honestly don't want to be a taker, but sometimes mental disabilities suck the life out of everyone around you, taking and taking from anyone who cares...until they don't anymore.
Blah. I will regret posting this later. Whatever.
The hardest part is that even my mom is pulling away from me, unable to see past my doubts and questions, or maybe just frustrated by her own lack of answers for me, I don't know. So now I am truly left alone, but for my husband and daughter, who thankfully both stand beside me like the rocks that they are, and that really is enough in a way, because they love me so unconditionally.
But the complete rejection from everyone else? It sucks. And it's lonely.
I am without hope today. Yes, I am definitely in one of my down-cycles (helped along, I am sure, by both hormones and the long hard winter we're dealing with, but dark and scary nonetheless) and I just don't see any hope for my future anymore. As long as my mental issues are this strong, what can I do to help make anything better? I very rarely have the wherewithal to even leave the house these days. I desperately want to get a part time job, but for every day I feel strong enough to do that, there are two or three that knock me back down to reality. I want to find new friends, even just one, but I'm unsure of the how or the where or the who. Again...what to I have of value to add to anyone? I honestly don't want to be a taker, but sometimes mental disabilities suck the life out of everyone around you, taking and taking from anyone who cares...until they don't anymore.
Blah. I will regret posting this later. Whatever.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
I'm back
So, after receiving a few emails asking about being blocked, I thought I'd explain. I did an experiment a couple of months ago where I took the blog completely private to only serve as a 'diary' of sorts for all of my yucky yuckness...and then only wrote three very lame posts. So. Whatever. I'm back. (Although possibly no one is around to read any more, which would be so ironic)
What's new? Nothing. Same mess, same weight gain (possibly up more though), same negative depressing me. Aren't you glad I'm updating?
I'm having a particularly bad day today. It's the last day of 2013 and as far as I can tell, 2014 will be just as crappy. Everyone on my facebook page is all positive and looking forward to the new year, and I so wish to be like them. Having mental illness SUCKS. I am tired. I am a slave to it. I am angry. I am at the end of me...but then, I've been there for a long time now.
People wonder how I could have possibly lost my faith in God, well let me tell you. Being in despair so often and being on your face, literally, before God...BEGGING, PLEADING to be well...and then only getting worse, well, I'm left with two options. Number one: God doesn't care enough to give me enough sanity and peace to at least not have to fight to want to live each day. Number two: He doesn't exist.
Oh I know, there are other options. But frankly I think they're all crap. Bigger picture, bigger plan, blah blah blah. I am a PARENT. I would, even in my mortal imperfect ways, do ANYTHING to at the very least equip my daughter to live with hope and peace. So if God is my father, and He HAS that power and MORE, why wouldn't He (in love, right?) do that for me. At the least?!?
Sigh.
My anger at God is the only thing that convinces me that He may actually be real.
What's new? Nothing. Same mess, same weight gain (possibly up more though), same negative depressing me. Aren't you glad I'm updating?
I'm having a particularly bad day today. It's the last day of 2013 and as far as I can tell, 2014 will be just as crappy. Everyone on my facebook page is all positive and looking forward to the new year, and I so wish to be like them. Having mental illness SUCKS. I am tired. I am a slave to it. I am angry. I am at the end of me...but then, I've been there for a long time now.
People wonder how I could have possibly lost my faith in God, well let me tell you. Being in despair so often and being on your face, literally, before God...BEGGING, PLEADING to be well...and then only getting worse, well, I'm left with two options. Number one: God doesn't care enough to give me enough sanity and peace to at least not have to fight to want to live each day. Number two: He doesn't exist.
Oh I know, there are other options. But frankly I think they're all crap. Bigger picture, bigger plan, blah blah blah. I am a PARENT. I would, even in my mortal imperfect ways, do ANYTHING to at the very least equip my daughter to live with hope and peace. So if God is my father, and He HAS that power and MORE, why wouldn't He (in love, right?) do that for me. At the least?!?
Sigh.
My anger at God is the only thing that convinces me that He may actually be real.
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Big day OVER!
Well, we made it through my daughter's quinceanera and I'm still in one piece. That's not to say there weren't numerous breakdowns along the way (oh, there were!) and several ugly childish fits thrown (by me) in the days leading up to it, but here we are on the other side now! (As a bit of a TMI, I started my 'monthly special time' hours before the event, so yeah, stress plus PMS is quite a combo for me!) In the end, everything went relatively smoothly and Gabby had a really wonderful evening, so it was all worth it.
As for fitting my dress, I did, but barely. It was tight-ish and not as flattering as I'd hoped, but it zipped and I could even sit and walk in it, so yay. This was probably due to the fact that I'd almost completely stopped being able to eat for the last couple of days leading up to the party! I did a weigh in Saturday morning and it showed 134 but I'm not making it official because it was almost certainly the result of dehydration, not actual pounds lost!
(And sure enough, my appetite is back today and I've already totally crushed an order of teriyaki chicken!)
I'm just so grateful to be back in the land of the ordinary again, no special events looming, no busy schedule, no ten checklists to go over, no endless crafting of centerpieces, endless shopping, and mega-stressing! Just plain old life. Good stuff. I know that there are many people who enjoy planning parties or dinners or those types of things but I am definitely NOT one of those people! When it's time for Gabby's wedding, hopefully I can afford a wedding planner! :)
As for fitting my dress, I did, but barely. It was tight-ish and not as flattering as I'd hoped, but it zipped and I could even sit and walk in it, so yay. This was probably due to the fact that I'd almost completely stopped being able to eat for the last couple of days leading up to the party! I did a weigh in Saturday morning and it showed 134 but I'm not making it official because it was almost certainly the result of dehydration, not actual pounds lost!
(And sure enough, my appetite is back today and I've already totally crushed an order of teriyaki chicken!)
I'm just so grateful to be back in the land of the ordinary again, no special events looming, no busy schedule, no ten checklists to go over, no endless crafting of centerpieces, endless shopping, and mega-stressing! Just plain old life. Good stuff. I know that there are many people who enjoy planning parties or dinners or those types of things but I am definitely NOT one of those people! When it's time for Gabby's wedding, hopefully I can afford a wedding planner! :)
Saturday, September 28, 2013
Saturday morning weigh in
Weight this morning: 137.5
Loss for the week: Half a pound
Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month.
Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.
I know I'm annoying with the constant whining...like, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again.
I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this.
You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition?
Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.
Loss for the week: Half a pound
Sigh. It is what it is. One week till big event, it is now too late to make much of a difference. I'm really hoping the dress I bought will fit, because it was a bit tight when I bought it. Silly me, I honestly thought I'd muster all this self-control and discipline to lose a few pounds in a month.
Seriously, is there anything more frustrating than failing yourself day after day? What is that?! And really, that is why I'm upset...not the weight issue (although UGH I'm ready for my old clothes to fit again!) but the feeling of defeat, of weakness, of failure.
I know I'm annoying with the constant whining...like, 'just buckle down and do what you need to do already' right? I honestly don't know why I'm being so weak and pathetic about this. Truthfully, I am just a hot mess right now, between the stress of this party coming up and the hormones that get worse this time of the month, not to mention the anxiety/depression that is my constant companion. Excuses, yes, but doggone it, the combination of all this has me standing on the edge of a breakdown time and time again.
I am just not a strong person anymore. I used to be such a strong person when I was young, honestly, but this constant mental, physical, and hormonal torture year after year has just broken me. I am so tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to pull it together. So I just let myself be weak and I'm so ashamed of this.
You know, I used to judge people for whatever I perceived to be their weaknesses, but not any longer. I am finally in a position where I find myself judging no one. It is odd, the freedom in that. I've finally realized that we are ALL weak in our own ways. We are ALL in a fight, in a struggle, an internal or external battle, aren't we? True, it isn't always thrust upon us from circumstances or other people, yes, sometimes we pick it up ourselves for whatever reason, but even then aren't we all, on some level, self destructive? Isn't that ultimately the human condition?
Okay so this became a bit deeper than my usual weigh in, didn't it? :) I just have so much on my mind and no place to spill it, so bits of it creep out here occasionally. Sorry! Back to the subject at hand: my weight. Hopefully this week takes off a pound or even two, but if it doesn't onward I go. I can't let myself feel so defeated over something so insignificant. It is what it is.
Saturday, September 21, 2013
saturday morning weigh in
Weight this morning: 138
Loss of one pound.
BLAH. I tried so hard this week. Walking in the mornings (and I am NOT a morning person!) and carefully watching my food intake. Turning down snacks and making good meal choices and on and on...for a stinking pound lost?
I mean, we had Breyers coffee iced cream in the freezer all week and I had NONE of it. NONE! I got my daughter a donut for breakfast Friday and went without. I had Boston Market and gave away my delicious cornbread. I had Tic Tacs as snacks and shunned side dishes at dinner. For a pound.
Yes, I should be happy the scale moved. But wow, I am discouraged. After I weighed in I went to the Dollar General and bought a box of Zings and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch...and proceeded to go to town. Cause yeah, that'll help.
Anyway, there you have it. Trying for two down this week. I'm aiming to add in an afternoon workout to boost what I do in the mornings, maybe it'll help.
Loss of one pound.
BLAH. I tried so hard this week. Walking in the mornings (and I am NOT a morning person!) and carefully watching my food intake. Turning down snacks and making good meal choices and on and on...for a stinking pound lost?
I mean, we had Breyers coffee iced cream in the freezer all week and I had NONE of it. NONE! I got my daughter a donut for breakfast Friday and went without. I had Boston Market and gave away my delicious cornbread. I had Tic Tacs as snacks and shunned side dishes at dinner. For a pound.
Yes, I should be happy the scale moved. But wow, I am discouraged. After I weighed in I went to the Dollar General and bought a box of Zings and a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch...and proceeded to go to town. Cause yeah, that'll help.
Anyway, there you have it. Trying for two down this week. I'm aiming to add in an afternoon workout to boost what I do in the mornings, maybe it'll help.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Note to self
So I can't figure out why I sabotage myself so often! Today was going great...brisk 1.4 mile walk in the park with hubby bright and early, low-cal breakfast sandwich for breakfast, remembered my b-complex, went to Subway for lunch and though I was SOOOO tempted by the yummy chocolate-chocolate chip cookies I resisted.
I was feeling on top of it!
Get home with my food and even decided to only eat half my sub and half of my baked chips, and save the rest for a couple of hours later. But then I didn't. And I scarfed it all in like five minutes. Oh, and I also gobbled down a 100 calorie pack of cookies for no apparent reason. Probably about six hundred freaking calories in 15 minutes. And I have zero clues why.
Seriously, WHY?!
I am now feeling so gross and full. Like, I wish I hadn't have eaten at all. I am taking the time to type this out right now because one day I'll read back over this and I want to tell my future self that IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I feel emotionally sick, physically sick, and just plain disappointed in myself.
So the plan is to not snack today or just grab a yogurt or carrots if i get desperate, cook a healthy-ish dinner (chicken fajitas I think) and for heavens sake use a bit of portion control while eating it, and get another walk/run in of at least a mile, maybe even a mile and a half.
Oh, and do some laundry, which is totally exercise.
Keep trying, right? Sigh. Keep on trying.
*Edited to add: I did it! I walked/ran on the treadmill an additional 1.6 miles for a total of 3 miles today. Phew. I feel so much better, not going to lie. :)
I was feeling on top of it!
Get home with my food and even decided to only eat half my sub and half of my baked chips, and save the rest for a couple of hours later. But then I didn't. And I scarfed it all in like five minutes. Oh, and I also gobbled down a 100 calorie pack of cookies for no apparent reason. Probably about six hundred freaking calories in 15 minutes. And I have zero clues why.
Seriously, WHY?!
I am now feeling so gross and full. Like, I wish I hadn't have eaten at all. I am taking the time to type this out right now because one day I'll read back over this and I want to tell my future self that IT IS NOT WORTH IT. I feel emotionally sick, physically sick, and just plain disappointed in myself.
So the plan is to not snack today or just grab a yogurt or carrots if i get desperate, cook a healthy-ish dinner (chicken fajitas I think) and for heavens sake use a bit of portion control while eating it, and get another walk/run in of at least a mile, maybe even a mile and a half.
Oh, and do some laundry, which is totally exercise.
Keep trying, right? Sigh. Keep on trying.
*Edited to add: I did it! I walked/ran on the treadmill an additional 1.6 miles for a total of 3 miles today. Phew. I feel so much better, not going to lie. :)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Saturday morning weigh in
Weight today: 139
Gain of almost 2 pounds.
I am frustrated with myself beyond belief. Why can't I just buckle down and do this already?! My biggest and closest-to-legit excuse is that I'm stinking exhausted. School started a few weeks ago for my daughter and suddenly I'm up at 6:00 (or earlier) now and let me tell you...it's taking a toll. I don't fall asleep easily EVER no matter how tired I am, and I'm averaging only 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, often even less than that. Occasionally I'll take a quick nap during the day, but usually not because it ends up making me feel gross, so I'm walking around in a daze like a stinking zombie. Exercise? Yeah, highly unlikely when I can barely function or keep my eyes open. Eating right? Nope, lets order a pizza again for dinner, or here let me grab these m&m's at 3:00 just for the sugar rush to be able to go pick her up from school, and etc.
Now, all of that being said, I completely acknowledge that it's all just a bunch of lame excuses. I know that I COULD do this if I really tried, but I am simply NOT TRYING. I am choosing to let my circumstances get the best of me. Here's the thing: I have a big event I want to look good for in less than a month, and now I have no time to get back down to a weight I'm more comfortable at, so it is time to just buckle down and do something. Even five or six pounds lost by then would make a difference in the tight-ish dress that I have to wear that day. So...onward I must go. Somehow I have to find it in me to care more, to be more consistent, to make a focused effort. Somehow.
Gain of almost 2 pounds.
I am frustrated with myself beyond belief. Why can't I just buckle down and do this already?! My biggest and closest-to-legit excuse is that I'm stinking exhausted. School started a few weeks ago for my daughter and suddenly I'm up at 6:00 (or earlier) now and let me tell you...it's taking a toll. I don't fall asleep easily EVER no matter how tired I am, and I'm averaging only 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night, often even less than that. Occasionally I'll take a quick nap during the day, but usually not because it ends up making me feel gross, so I'm walking around in a daze like a stinking zombie. Exercise? Yeah, highly unlikely when I can barely function or keep my eyes open. Eating right? Nope, lets order a pizza again for dinner, or here let me grab these m&m's at 3:00 just for the sugar rush to be able to go pick her up from school, and etc.
Now, all of that being said, I completely acknowledge that it's all just a bunch of lame excuses. I know that I COULD do this if I really tried, but I am simply NOT TRYING. I am choosing to let my circumstances get the best of me. Here's the thing: I have a big event I want to look good for in less than a month, and now I have no time to get back down to a weight I'm more comfortable at, so it is time to just buckle down and do something. Even five or six pounds lost by then would make a difference in the tight-ish dress that I have to wear that day. So...onward I must go. Somehow I have to find it in me to care more, to be more consistent, to make a focused effort. Somehow.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Updates
So, there is a reason I didn't weigh in on Saturday and it isn't that I forgot. I remembered, but I just couldn't face what would surely be waiting for me: a big, fat gain. I'm sorry to say that I will probably not be weighing in again this weekend. I can't even pretend there's a chance for a loss, or even a chance of maintaining where I was. I've been terrible, and I mean AWFUL, with my eating and I've blown off the majority of workouts that I was supposed to do for the past couple of weeks.
FAIL.
I'm so unbelievably stressed out about various things and then I treat food as an escape. Something I can control, even if everything else is OUT of control. I respond to stress in the worst way: by hiding at home and pigging out on junk.Trying not to think, I will lose myself in a book or on the internet or by watching a series on Netflix. And I'll be eating the whole time.
Through all of this I hurt. Physically, I mean. Cramps...horrible, terrible, painful uterine cramps plague me for weeks every single month. They begin a couple of days before ovulation and continue for pretty much the entire two weeks (or more) until my period and then into my period. So, pain for approximately 18-20 days a month. This has been the norm for me for 2 or 3 years now and I am sadly pretty much used to it, but it still really, really sucks. My heating pad is my constant companion. I sleep with it, eat with it, watch tv with it, and I've even thought of taking it on car rides with me! So...I tend to use this as an excuse to not work out. Most days I could probably work through the pain, and some days I do, but truthfully I usually don't. I just let myself be defeated by it, like I do most things in my life.
Obviously, I'm whiny today and I'm sorry. I'm cranky and lonely and stressed and I've been feeling way too crampy and yucky for way too many days in a row. I'm also feeling very emotionally adrift because of the spiritual stuff...stuff I'd planned to work out here but I'm finding that probably isn't a great idea. There's just no way to say the things I am thinking and feeling without seriously hurting those of you who are religious, and I do NOT want to do that. I will only say that I do know I still believe in God, if only because of the intense anger I often feel towards him. That sounds terrible, but it is sometimes the only comfort I feel about the whole thing. If I can keep believing in HIM, despite my feelings towards Christianity/religion and the bible, that is at least SOMETHING.
No matter how badly I want to say more, like all of the how's and why's of my drastic change of thinking, I won't out of respect for those who still hold those things dearly, and who may read my words and be disheartened. Just know that it is a HUGE part of my life right now, this spiritual struggle, and it isn't something I take lightly. It is a violent stripping away of something I don't necessarily WANT to lose. I just don't know how to force myself to continue on without it being a lie, and that would seriously defeat the purpose, yes?
Anyway, there's an update of what's going on in my life right now. Basically, a big mess but what can I say...I'm used to it. ;-)
FAIL.
I'm so unbelievably stressed out about various things and then I treat food as an escape. Something I can control, even if everything else is OUT of control. I respond to stress in the worst way: by hiding at home and pigging out on junk.Trying not to think, I will lose myself in a book or on the internet or by watching a series on Netflix. And I'll be eating the whole time.
Through all of this I hurt. Physically, I mean. Cramps...horrible, terrible, painful uterine cramps plague me for weeks every single month. They begin a couple of days before ovulation and continue for pretty much the entire two weeks (or more) until my period and then into my period. So, pain for approximately 18-20 days a month. This has been the norm for me for 2 or 3 years now and I am sadly pretty much used to it, but it still really, really sucks. My heating pad is my constant companion. I sleep with it, eat with it, watch tv with it, and I've even thought of taking it on car rides with me! So...I tend to use this as an excuse to not work out. Most days I could probably work through the pain, and some days I do, but truthfully I usually don't. I just let myself be defeated by it, like I do most things in my life.
Obviously, I'm whiny today and I'm sorry. I'm cranky and lonely and stressed and I've been feeling way too crampy and yucky for way too many days in a row. I'm also feeling very emotionally adrift because of the spiritual stuff...stuff I'd planned to work out here but I'm finding that probably isn't a great idea. There's just no way to say the things I am thinking and feeling without seriously hurting those of you who are religious, and I do NOT want to do that. I will only say that I do know I still believe in God, if only because of the intense anger I often feel towards him. That sounds terrible, but it is sometimes the only comfort I feel about the whole thing. If I can keep believing in HIM, despite my feelings towards Christianity/religion and the bible, that is at least SOMETHING.
No matter how badly I want to say more, like all of the how's and why's of my drastic change of thinking, I won't out of respect for those who still hold those things dearly, and who may read my words and be disheartened. Just know that it is a HUGE part of my life right now, this spiritual struggle, and it isn't something I take lightly. It is a violent stripping away of something I don't necessarily WANT to lose. I just don't know how to force myself to continue on without it being a lie, and that would seriously defeat the purpose, yes?
Anyway, there's an update of what's going on in my life right now. Basically, a big mess but what can I say...I'm used to it. ;-)
Saturday, August 10, 2013
Saturday morning weigh in
Well, today I weighed in at 137.3, so I didn't lose anything and I'm even up a tenth of a pound. Boooo.
I have a few semi-valid excuses I could throw down, but I won't. When it comes right down to it, I only worked out three times this past week and I had way too many bad meals, those things are my fault and I own it.
So, here's to another week of trying to do better. My daughter goes back to school on Tuesday, so we'll see if that HELPS my cause or HURTS it. (It's very stressful for me, so hurting it is entirely possible!) Oh, and this week is the worst of my PMS for the month, so good times. (not) I'll try not to eat myself into a coma and do SOMETHING, no matter how small, to get a workout everyday and see if it helps.
I have a few semi-valid excuses I could throw down, but I won't. When it comes right down to it, I only worked out three times this past week and I had way too many bad meals, those things are my fault and I own it.
So, here's to another week of trying to do better. My daughter goes back to school on Tuesday, so we'll see if that HELPS my cause or HURTS it. (It's very stressful for me, so hurting it is entirely possible!) Oh, and this week is the worst of my PMS for the month, so good times. (not) I'll try not to eat myself into a coma and do SOMETHING, no matter how small, to get a workout everyday and see if it helps.
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