Have you been there?
The only thing that is remotely keeping me wanting to do this is the fact that it may very well be the ONLY thing in my life that I have any control over! If I'm fat, it's on ME. If I'm thin, it's up to ME. Nothing else in my life is that black and white, that concrete, and there is something amazing about that! So...I don't give up totally. For every bad food/exercise decision I'm making, there seems to be a corresponding good decision.
It's an odd combination of both giving up and not giving up at the same time.
You know what? Life can just be so hard. It really is that simple. I'm trying to give this all to God and learn to trust Him with it, but wow. SO HARD. But, I am aware of His presence throughout this ordeal from time to time, and I'm trying to focus on that. Just this morning in my Bible study I read this:
"Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him."Wow. Again, it is up to me. Will I choose to let God work through what I am going through? Will I choose to trust Him? Will I believe there is a bigger picture? Will I believe that He can work all things out for my good?
I want to...and I'm trying. But again this morning as I prayed the words came once again: Lord, please help my unbelief. At least for right now, I am choosing to give Him the benefit of the doubt, as silly as that sounds, and I'm hoping that with time, the trust and faith and belief will come more easily. He isn't giving up on me, so I'm trying very hard not to give up on Him.
Heavy post, sorry. ;-)