Tuesday, February 22, 2011


Well, I survived the long weekend, but barely. Ugh. Personal life issues abound right now, and it just puts everything else on the back burner. I'm so consumed with everything that is going on (not to mention the extreme anxiety that is accompanying it) that I do not care one iota about my weight. Just don't. If I'm up, I'm up. Whatever.

Have you been there?

The only thing that is remotely keeping me wanting to do this is the fact that it may very well be the ONLY thing in my life that I have any control over! If I'm fat, it's on ME. If I'm thin, it's up to ME. Nothing else in my life is that black and white, that concrete, and there is something amazing about that! So...I don't give up totally. For every bad food/exercise decision I'm making, there seems to be a corresponding good decision.

It's an odd combination of both giving up and not giving up at the same time.

You know what? Life can just be so hard. It really is that simple. I'm trying to give this all to God and learn to trust Him with it, but wow. SO HARD. But, I am aware of His presence throughout this ordeal from time to time, and I'm trying to focus on that. Just this morning in my Bible study I read this:
"Trusting God's sovereignty means trusting that if He has allowed something difficult and shocking to happen to one of His children, He plans to use it mightily if the child will let Him."
Wow. Again, it is up to me. Will I choose to let God work through what I am going through? Will I choose to trust Him? Will I believe there is a bigger picture? Will I believe that He can work all things out for my good?

I want to...and I'm trying. But again this morning as I prayed the words came once again: Lord, please help my unbelief. At least for right now, I am choosing to give Him the benefit of the doubt, as silly as that sounds, and I'm hoping that with time, the trust and faith and belief will come more easily. He isn't giving up on me, so I'm trying very hard not to give up on Him.

Heavy post, sorry. ;-)


  1. Missy,
    I’m sorry you are dealing with such major issues. My heart really does go out to you. You are right that we do need to throw our anxieties upon God and he will care for us. (Psalm 55:22) But doing that can be easier said than done. In order to have faith that God will care for us we have to draw close to him and come to know him. (James 4:8) Knowing God means more than just having a superficial knowledge. It would include things like knowing his personal name and using it and knowing God’s will and ways. (John 17:25, 26; 1 John 3:22) Only by really getting to know God can we develop a truly close relationship with him and trust in him. Many have perhaps gotten caught up in the emotional side of worship but have not really taken the time to learn and reason on the scriptures. John 17:3 tells us just how important it is to take in accurate knowledge. Perhaps taking some extra time to really get to know who God is would help you feel closer to him. Wishing you the best while you work through your trials. Hugs!

  2. I love the idea of giving God the benefit of the doubt.

    In our BSF lesson this week, one of the questions was on how God's response to those who would quarrel with him could encourage them to trust him (Isaiah 44 and 45). One of the verses, God speaking, says "You will commit to me the work of my hands" -- I love that image -- of course God's work is perfectly in his hands already, but what a lovely image of how important for us it is that we trust him as he does his work. And how touching whenever God acts and speaks to give such reassurance of his trustworthiness, inviting trust. No more flood -- he's bent on redemption.

    Today? I ate five sticky buns. And three of them weren't even good -- only the first one of each sitting. My body and mind and energy all felt the badness of it, in the moment and later, and still by grace I'm not consumed by my own judgment. I still hope I can learn to be wise with portions and know that a small portion IS satisfying and not a deprivation.

    Blessings to you! May the benefits of the good decisions you make with food and exercise abound in help for dealing with the personal and other issues -- and may God "sanctify to you your deepest distress," graciously minimize and mediate the costs of the poorer choices in those areas, and deliver you from the double penalty of your own judgment.

    (Quotation from -- How Firm a Foundation, I think.)