Saturday, February 12, 2011

Out of control

For some reason, I am really, really struggling. I am not just eating too much, I am kinda full-on binging. I don't know why. It could be hormonal, as I am midway through my cycle and that's a bad time for me, or it could be due to not sleeping well most nights for a really long time. Maybe I'm in a bit of a down cycle, or maybe it's just the long, super-snowy winter that's driving me to eat. Who knows. All I do know is, I am constantly hungry and I'm simply not fighting it all that much.

Sigh. I so wish I was a super-inspiring blogger that people visit because they always leave with good feelings and a drive to meet their goals. Instead, I am falling further and further into the danger zone of slack and gluttony and gaining my weight back, and I hate it...but apparently not enough to get my crap together.

Honestly? There was a moment earlier today (as I ate my third blueberry muffin of the day, after I'd eaten like 6 donut holes) when I had the thought that I just didn't care anymore. I just wanted to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted and if I get fat, whatever. Do. Not. Care.

So, yeah, that moment has passed now and I DO care again, but I feel out of control and unsure of how to turn this around again. I just feel so unbelievably tired and I'm really hungry and it is so hard to fight those two feelings combined! I definitely need to sleep better, there's just no way around that. I may have to start taking some Nyquil or something to help things along.

The good news is that I've been faithfully working out 3 or 4 times a week for the past 3 weeks now, so at least I have a hope of my metabolism revving back up again. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder, could the return to workouts be contributing to this huge hunger I've been feeling? Perhaps. I just wish I would start feeling some residual energy from the workouts as well!

And no, I haven't weighed myself at all since the first of the month. I just don't want to know! Sorry I'm such a non-inspiration right now. There is really nothing else to say.


  1. Wow, good job on all the workouts, Miss! I didn't realize you'd been keeping it up for three weeks now!

    I'm not sure what's up with the binging... I used to go through that occasionally. It seemed like there would be a week or two where I'd want to eat everything in sight. Then there'd be a week or so when I just didn't feel very hungry at all.

    It might have something to do with your cycle. Then again, maybe it has more to do with WHAT you're eating. If you have been eating a lot of junk, perhaps you're getting the "Hungry" signal from your brain b/c you're not getting the *nutrients* you need.

    I eat a lot better now than I used to, being careful to give my body what it needs (for the most part!). And I haven't had the urge to just pig out in a long, long time.

    Just my two cents:0)

  2. You've said before that not having the junk in the house helps. Maybe you'd be more likely to grab the orange or the raisins or the carrot sticks or the almonds if the donut holes and blueberry muffins weren't there.

    Your job isn't to inspire your readers -- you blog what you want to when you want to and we read because we like you.

    Can you journal a bit through the various feelings and voices under the surface of all this? I'm hearing a voice that feels deprived, another that feels tired of effort, another that wishes things were less chaotic, and another that is judging you pretty harshly. How can you show compassion and respect to each voice while recognizing where their thinking is flawed?

    Yeesh, I sound like a shrink -- sorry. But that idea that my inner critic is trying to help me, and that listening with compassion but firmness is a good way to quiet the inner critic, and that I shouldn't judge where I am and what I'm doing nor should I judge myself for judging myself, etc, has been helpful to me.

  3. Missy, the most inspirng bloggers to me are those that are honest and lay it all out there. That's what you do! If I had a dollar for every time I said, "I give up" in the past month or so, I'd be rich.

    This isn't easy, and I so get that don't care but really DO care thing. I'm struggling right now, too.

    I blame it on February. I always think February is an awful month. More cold, more winter, cabin fever runs high... Who knows.


  4. Grrrr, February... Darn you, February! (shaking my fist)

    No matter what the calendar says, it really is the Longest Month.