I haven't been sleeping well at all lately. Getting to sleep isn't that hard, but staying asleep is a whole other thing altogether. I generally wake up to use the restroom 2-3 times a night (getting older stinks, does it not?) and lately when I wake up for those visits my mind will start worrying and fretting and before you know it, I'm fully awake and pretty much freaking out over one thing or another. Worrying about the future, usually, and stewing about the present things that are out of my control.
So yeah, I know I'm supposed to give this all to God, and I think I'm trying to do that...but I suppose if I was really doing it, I'd be sleeping better at night, right? I just dwell too much on me and my utter lack of ability to do most anything right. Or on my husband and all the ways I feel like he constantly lets me down. On what I can see right now and all the ways my life is an absolute mess. On what I'm used to see happen in my life...being disappointed, struggling, ultimately failing. Basically, I'm focused on everything but God stepping in and having everything under His control.
It is most definitely a frustrating season in my life. I have very little under my own control right now, unless you count laundry and housework, which is lame. My life, in many ways, is just not my own right now, as odd as that sounds. It is absolutely torturous for a control freak to live this way, let me tell you! My frustration manifests often, usually as outbursts of anger, I'm sad to say. I lash out because I feel like things should be and could be better, but I have no way of actually making things better. I am at the mercy of others, and they are human and let me down.
One of my facebook friends posted this today:
A simple verse that I've known for a very long time, yet this morning it really resonated with me. What she added to the end: face it, find God in it...well, that's good stuff. Again, simple, but isn't it sometimes the simple things that manage to allude us? Somehow, I forget to add God into the equation of both my now and my future. He can make things different than what I see and what I've always known. He can, with one word, deliver me. He is everywhere I'll ever go, He is everywhere I've ever been. The key is...will I allow Him to be my Rock, my Fortress, my Deliverer? Or will I continue to try and deal with today (and tomorrow) on my own, depending on me, my husband, my circumstances?
Will I finally learn how to get out of God's way??
So, that's just one thing on my mind today. Thank goodness I'm still a work in progress! :)