Friday, August 28, 2009

Binges and rebellion

Is there anyone still out there?? So quiet here these days!

So, I have been on my period this week and pretty much breaking every diet rule I have. Barely working out and I even had a couple of serious binges...something that hasn't been one of my major problems during the last few months. I was fully aware of what I was doing...but I did it anyway.

I'm beyond stressed about school issues this week and I have NO control over fixing the cause of the stress at this point. Of course, it comes out in my eating. I WANT chips. No one can stop me from eating the chips. I am the one in control (or lack thereof, ironically) of each chip finding its way to my mouth. So, I act like a five year old and eat simply because I can.

Spite...toward what I'm not sure. My life? Circumstances? Myself? Who knows.

Do you understand? Not sure I do myself. Sigh. How incredibly stupid.

My weight this morning (one day before weigh-in) is up more than TWO pounds. Argh. I get so close to my goal and then self-sabotage. Big surprise.

Yeah, I'm pretty whiny these days. No wonder no one is commenting! I'm sorry you guys, I'm just one big ball of nerves and I can't seem to snap out of it! Weigh in tomorrow...not looking forward to recording a gain but it's too late for regrets, it is what it is.


  1. Stop! Quit beating yourself up! Stop now!

    You are doing a wonderful job. You are teaching your daughter at home - something I couldn't do if I tried. I'm sure it is stressful, but you are an inspiration to me. Wow! Just the thought of doing it scares me. ON top of that stress, you are dieting and have lost a tremendous amount weight in just a few months which I know personally is no easy task. You are doing great, so stop beating yourself up.

    I love chips, too. It's the crunch and the salt, right? Maybe switch to fresh cucumber chips with salt and maybe some salsa. Or maybe some crunchy carrots. Or celery. Or jicama. Or give in and have an ounce of chips and just work out a few extra minutes. A few chips today won't undo all the tremendous progess you've made. A bag of chips every day might, but a few chips today won't sabotage all the work you've done. I promise. Just keep track and don't do it all the time. Chips today = carrots tomorrow. Okay?

    That said, if you aren't hungry, don't eat them. Drink a glass of water first and then don't put anything in your mouth for 30 minutes. If you still want a few chips, allow yourself to have them. I have learned that sometimes when I think I'm hungry, I'm really thirsty. It works for me. It might for you.

    Don't keep beating yourself up, whatever you do. Look at your before and after pictures and know that you have come a long way. It is a life long journey, though. Once you hit your goal, you still have to watch what you eat (sorry to be the bearer of bad news). Just know that you have accomplished something amazing and be proud of yourself, okay?

  2. Amy~

    Thank you so much. You have such a calming effect on me! In the little while since I posted this, we had a terrible thunderstorm roll through and my kitchen ceiling (inside the cupboards, mind you) started pouring in water.

    I'm running around like a crazy woman pulling things out of the cupboard, sopping the mess with towels, calling my husband frantically, ect. and basically falling apart.

    Then I come back here, read a bit of a Bible study (which helped) and then see your comment which made me feel a bit less alone and a bit calmer. THANK YOU.

    How I wish we lived closer. :)

  3. I'm glad I could help. I wish we lived closer, too. :o)

  4. I'm still here!! You can't get rid of me. ;)

    Yikes about your leak!!! We had a minor one in our kitchen and that was bad enough! I can't imagine one that bad!

    I agree that you're doing great! Don't get too down on yourself. You'll swing back up and then start losing more again. Of course, you probably don't have much left on your body TO lose since you're so skinny now! haha!

    Keep up the good work! :)

  5. I just recently started trying to exercise every weekday morning. The week my period was about to hit, I skipped three days. I bet there's a connection.

    Develop a PMS plan for that week each month? Like, remove chips from the house, or have a basket of special (and healthy) treats to eat or for the bath or to listen to or read or watch?

    And as you put each chip in your mouth, willfully, spitefully, and regretfully, take heart that Jesus sits with you and does NOT condemn you. He's not even laughing at you or shaking his head.