Well the weekend did NOT go well. I didn't even make it to the funeral, I was mean and angry and hormonal and just about as ugly as it gets. So ugly that I can barely hold my head up from the weight of the shame and regret that I feel. Seriously, what is WRONG with me? Why do I allow myself to completely lose control sometimes and hurt the ones I love the most?
You know, I'm feeling very much like I'm at a breaking point, spiritually speaking. I honestly just feel like giving up. I can't seem to connect with God. I have no confidence in His love for me. I have very little faith that He hears me or cares about what happens to me. I can't let go of my hurt and confusion over why He allows me to have the debilitating mental issues that I have. I can't find Him in all the ugly that goes on in the world. I can't find Him in all the ugly that goes on in ME. I hear preaching on TV and it all sounds so empty...just phrases and verses that I've heard a million times and never seem to really manifest themselves beyond that. I am a slave to doubt, a slave to anxiety, a slave to anger, a slave to my own self-destructive tendencies.
I just feel like I'm never going to get it. I'm seemingly incapable of faith, of change, of hope or joy. I'm not changed or transformed, I'm not a new creation...I'm still the old messed up dysfunctional me, even after a lifetime of trying to find God. I don't look around and see miracles, I look around and see death and destruction and wonder where God could possibly be in it all. I do not feel cut out to be a Christian and I truly don't know how to change that. I'm sure the problem lies with ME and not GOD, but I truly don't appear to have any grasp on how to let go of whatever is holding me back.
I'm really sorry for the downer post. It was just a really, really bad weekend.