Monday, March 19, 2012

Bad weekend = depressing post on Monday

Well the weekend did NOT go well. I didn't even make it to the funeral, I was mean and angry and hormonal and just about as ugly as it gets. So ugly that I can barely hold my head up from the weight of the shame and regret that I feel. Seriously, what is WRONG with me? Why do I allow myself to completely lose control sometimes and hurt the ones I love the most?

You know, I'm feeling very much like I'm at a breaking point, spiritually speaking. I honestly just feel like giving up. I can't seem to connect with God. I have no confidence in His love for me. I have very little faith that He hears me or cares about what happens to me. I can't let go of my hurt and confusion over why He allows me to have the debilitating mental issues that I have. I can't find Him in all the ugly that goes on in the world. I can't find Him in all the ugly that goes on in ME. I hear preaching on TV and it all sounds so empty...just phrases and verses that I've heard a million times and never seem to really manifest themselves beyond that. I am a slave to doubt, a slave to anxiety, a slave to anger, a slave to my own self-destructive tendencies.

I just feel like I'm never going to get it. I'm seemingly incapable of faith, of change, of hope or joy. I'm not changed or transformed, I'm not a new creation...I'm still the old messed up dysfunctional me, even after a lifetime of trying to find God. I don't look around and see miracles, I look around and see death and destruction and wonder where God could possibly be in it all. I do not feel cut out to be a Christian and I truly don't know how to change that. I'm sure the problem lies with ME and not GOD, but I truly don't appear to have any grasp on how to let go of whatever is holding me back.

I'm really sorry for the downer post. It was just a really, really bad weekend.


  1. Missy,
    I'm completely convinced that a lot of the stuff you see as spiritual problems in your life are really a result (symptoms) of the chemical imbalance in your brain. I read your posts, especially the ones when you're feeling really down, and I hear my own thoughts from before I had relief provided by my Effexor. I know that things could be so much better for you if you had the right meds...

  2. I suspect it's not really spiritual problems, too. And it seems that on top of the things that are triggering / provoking for you, there's layers of shame and self-judgment like extra locks on the door. While zoloft has been helpful for me, and I can't (yet?) get off it, talk therapy has been more helpful. I suspect that for most people, psychological health is influenced partly by bodily stuff, and largely by our past. The hypothesis of how antidepressants work doesn't have a lot of solid evidence, but I think it matters less *how* they work, and more that for some people they do in fact work.

    It is not a pleasant place, the pit. I wish I could sit there with you for a while. I can tell you that Jesus is there, but I'm sure that's an intellectual comfort that isn't tangible enough right now. I can also assure you that it's not your fault that you're in the pit, and that while there may be some things you could do differently, this is not your responsibility alone -- God has a job to do here, and so do others in your life.

    If I could suggest just one thing, it would be to practice the mindfulness of just noticing -- notice your feelings, notice the triggers, notice when you judge yourself, notice when you judge yourself for judging yourself, etc... try to let the feelings be what they are, neither hurrying them along nor trying to hold onto them.

  3. Missy, sweet Missy, I am so sorry that you are feeling like this. I just now had time to read through your blog and catch up. It sounds like you just haven't found satisfying answers to your questions and you're tired of being fed the same old stuff with no real substance. Let me assure you that the Bible gives the answers. :) It's not all about how "religion" makes us feel. It's about learning what the Bible really teaches. Having that knowledge will give real happiness because it provides hope. I'm going to send you an email so we can talk some more. Everyone is capable of possessing spirituality. We just have to keep working on it. All of us. I love Proverbs 2:1-5.