Monday, March 5, 2012

Is it spring yet??

I think that, ultimately, most blogs exist to either encourage or entertain...which is why I don't post anymore. My mind is constantly moving and working, but I dare say there is nothing encouraging or entertaining about the thoughts I have these days! I have been struggling terribly with my mental issues this winter, and honestly it is all I can do to just keep going about my days as normally as possible, let alone find something within myself to share that would even slightly encourage other people!

Truth is, I've written quite a few blog posts over the past few months, but they are all nestled safely within my drafts folder, never to see the light of day. When I am consumed with anxiety and depression, as I have been for months on end now, each of my blog posts tends to be overflowing with the yuck that accompanies those feelings. Yuck, yuck, and more yuck.

So, how about I just share a couple of updates for the sake of updates and hopefully with the coming spring I'll move back into normalcy just enough to start blogging relatively regularly again!

Update on weight: It is up. (Sigh) I haven't weighed in for a couple of weeks, but I'm up around 10 pounds from my goal weight. (I'm 133-ish right now, I think) I have let myself eat whatever I want all winter long and now I'm definitely paying the price! My clothes mostly still all fit, but I don't look very good, frankly. Yesterday I was standing in front of a three way mirror in a dressing room waiting on my daughter to try on dresses and I did NOT like what I saw! SO...I'm trying to drop the ten pounds by summer. We'll see how that goes! Perhaps it will give me a reason to post here again, as boring as weight loss/dieting posts can be, at least it is something! :)

Update on parenting: We are almost done with our journey of schooling-at-home. Yes, my daughter is officially enrolled in high school and will start in August. To say I'm conflicted about the whole thing is the understatement of the century! More to come on this in a later post, I'm sure.

Update on spiritual things: Well, so much to say here, where do I start? First, I'm still trying, which is, I suppose, a victory of sorts in and of itself. However, I am still such a mess in this area. Honestly, it's the mental issues that mess me up. Living in fear, anxiety, and depression do not a faith-filled life make, yet it seems to be out of my own control to overcome them. Then to top it all off, there is this attitude that it IS in my control, it is a form of sin to give into these thoughts and I feel guilt, shame, condemnation. I pray for help, healing, deliverance, for something to change, but here I am. Still a mess, still barely hanging onto enough faith and hope to make it one more day, one more hour, one more minute.

See? That is why I don't post much! :)

So anyway, I'm still here, still breathing, still trying to get things straight. It is March now, almost spring, so here's hoping that things get better! Not sure more than two or three people still check in around here, but to anyone who is still sticking around with me: THANK YOU!


  1. I've never believed blogs had to be encouraging or entertaining. And the ones that try to be are not always the ones that succeed. Sometimes what is encouraging is to feel less alone -- in our own messy dark lives.

    I firmly believe that there is a distinction between psychological issues and spiritual ones. Not all psychological issues respond to spiritual treatment. Then there's physiological stuff -- thyroid, anemia, and vitamin D are sometimes involved with depression, and for some folks things like sugar are associated with depression.

    You might find interesting -- DBT was a great help to me during PPD and I continue to draw on ideas and skills I learned through it.

  2. Thanks Marcy. I have actually looked into DBT briefly before, but at the time it just overwhelmed me. I find it incredibly difficult to focus on anything really when I'm in the middle of a panic attack, which is the worst part of my mental stuff. Perhaps I will look into it again though, especially once spring really hits and I'm feeling more clearheaded! :-)

  3. Check out my tag on Prompting Event Worksheets -- they're pretty good for in-the-moment stuff.

    I'm sorry it's so hard. I know what it's like to have those things lurking just under the surface, ready to flare up and inviting all kinds of not-so-great responses. I had a fairly little one just last night, about parenting stuff...