Alone

Feeling incredibly lonely today. Do you ever get emotions that you can physically feel inside of your chest and throat? That's what I've got today. The feels.

(Duh duh duuuuuh)

You know, the sad and embarrassing truth is that I no longer have any real friends where I live. All of the friends I've had since living here have been in one way or another related to the two churches I went to...and they just aren't in my life at all anymore.  Honestly though, I've not gotten super 'best friend' close with anyone at all here. I don't know why, but I've never been able to be 'myself' with anyone for years, other than my daughter, husband, one sister, and sometimes my mom. But even with my mom things are strained these days. 

She is just so one dimensional that I find it hard to relate to her. (Religion only, not much else at all. Not only religion though, her church is very much a 'cult of personality' and holds the pastor up almost even with God. It's too much for me and I constantly challenge her on this. It strains things, for sure!) Everything is centered around her church and if I try to talk about neutral things, she struggles to engage with me. When I called to tell her I got a job she never even congratulated me or acted happy for me, she just kinda changed the subject. It was weird and it hurt me so badly that I'm still sad three days later. 

My daughter will be here for only another year and a half, my husband works all the time, and my sister doesn't need me much because she has a very full life. So I'm just here, alone, a lot. Today I'm going second hand shopping and I'd give anything to be able to call someone up to join me, but there's no one to call. And I'm feeling sorry for myself.

I should probably mention that I'm PMS-ing right now and that is amplifying everything times a hundred. I'm honestly not really in that bad of a place overall right now (SPRING!!) but the last few days have been kicking my butt emotionally. I miss having a close girlfriend living nearby. I miss having a mom who connected with me on a deeper level. I miss being in my hometown where I had a lot of friends near me. 

I'm just lonely.