Monday, July 13, 2009

Fear of myself

Is it completely weird that the closer I get to my goal weight, the less I want to get there? Truth is, I am SO worried that once I do, I'll get so complacent that I'll start gaining it all back. I can't tell you how many blogs I've read where that exact thing has happened, and I'm not sure how to prevent it, especially given my history.

This feeling is effecting me in the weirdest ways, I've noticed. I'm at the point of needing to buy clothes...a LOT of clothes. It's the 'moment of truth' I suppose...spending money for smaller clothes feels like such a gamble in a way. Will I stay small enough to fit them long term, or will they be pushed to the back of the closet like all 'skinny' clothes of the past eventually were?

Truth is, I'm scared. It is keeping me from really going shopping. I've only bought two new items of clothing so far: a pair of capri's a few weeks ago that are already fitting a bit big, and then yesterday I bought a pair of shorts.

(Side note: I can NOT believe I bought SHORTS!! I never wear shorts, except sometimes to workout, and NEVER out of the house! Oh, and P.S. -- they are a size SIX!)

Hubby keeps telling me that I need to buy more, but I am honestly not sure I'm ready to believe I won't wake up tomorrow magically a size 12 again. It's frustrating because even though I know I have complete control over that happening...

I have a long, sad history of self-defeating behavior.

I am consistently my own worst enemy in more ways than one. This has been the pattern in my life for as long as I can remember. If I am the only one between me and thirty pounds, I don't know how I'll not at some point ruin everything! So, here I sit in my baggy, unattractive clothes wondering if I have it in me to keep this up for the rest of my life. Heck, even for the rest of the year!

I know I'm rambling and sounding all pathetic today...sorry. I am just in such a weird place right now and I obviously need to do some mental house cleaning! Nothing new! :)

Here's to a new week once again!


  1. Missy you are not alone in feeling like you might get complacent and gain the weight back when you reach your goal.
    My suggestion is when you reach your goal treat yourself to a good meal and then continue revising your goal, even if it weight mainentance.

  2. Oh and by the way I struggle with self defeating behavior as well. I think many people struggle with it, especially while trying to lose weight.
    I like to buy the smaller clothes to remind myself when I start to fall off the wagon again.

  3. Thanks so much for the comment. As always, it does help to know I'm not the only one with these fears and feelings! It is just so weird to me that instead of just being 100% happy about being so close, I'm feeling very conflicted.

    One day at a time, I guess! :)