Thursday, July 23, 2009

My head fell into a bag of chips last night...

So last night, I totally binged. :(

I was suffering from my mental 'issues' again, this time in the form of a panic attack...something that happens often if I'm feeling sick, which I was. It started in the car after dropping my daughter off at her church group. I felt so nauseated all of a sudden, to the point of almost pulling the car over. For some reason, I eat when I feel this way. Like, as long as I'm eating I won't throw up.

I know, stupid. But it's a mental thing, not a rational thing.

Anyway, I get home and pop in a microwave meal and eat that. Better, but not great. I call hubby and ask him to please bring me a bag of Baked Lays when he comes home. (This after I had JUST told him the day before to STOP bringing chips home! Bless his heart, he knows me and just did it without protest.)
My food-medication of choice used to be huge amounts of peanut m&m's, so Baked Lays is actually an improvement. Kinda.

I kid you not, I probably ate half that bag of chips before I felt good enough to stop. Oh, and a big handful of dark chocolate kisses, too.

I had already had a terrible eating day yesterday. My usual breakfast followed by microwave pizza for lunch -- something I usually save for dinner since it's higher in calories and fat than my normal lunches. Then I still felt hungry after that so I made two corn tortillas with cheese and some carrots and hummus. Oh, and a fiber bar later for a snack. Ugh.

Now, I know one day won't kill my whole diet, but it does make me feel more out of control, which is a bigger problem than a gained pound or two. In the first two and a half months of my diet I had NO cheating, NO binges, NO problems working out. Now? I struggle almost constantly. I used to feel so strong, now I feel weak. I used to feel empowered when I carefully monitored my calories, now I feel oddly empowered when I I've 'gotten one over' on myself or something.

I know this is a pathetic post, but I'm trying very hard to honestly document my good days and my bad ones, so that I can look back and see patterns of what worked, what didn't, ect. Obviously all the dieting in the world won't fix my mental issues, but they are a part of me as much as my hormonal rhythms. Not my favorite parts of me, but they both play a part in me losing and keeping this weight off. To ignore them would be setting myself up for failure.

Here's hoping today is a better day...


  1. Why do these stupid panic attacks and anxiety make us feel weak and then write things like: this is a pathetic post. I do the same thing.

    It's NOT pathetic. It's very real and I'm learning much more common than I thought.

    I've had a few anxiety attacks when taking my son to his art class. For me, I feel like I'm falling sideways and that I'll pass out--that's how they start. I always use logic to get myself home: Nothing has ever happened, I'm safe.

    I've never had the desire to eat with one. Actually I don't even want near a cigarette, either. (Now that I've fessed up about that, I can talk about it.)

    There has simply got to be an answer to this. Do you have low blood sugar? I know that when we are in a period of low blood sugar, we are prone to anxiety attacks. Do you over-eat to compensate for that? I've always had hypoglycemia until the past year or so, and when I got the shakes, I always overate.

    I ache for you. We walk in the same shoes. It is so frustrating. You're right in that it is a part of this journey and one we need to figure out.


  2. Oh Jo, how I'm starting to love thee! :)

    Yes, I am pretty sure I have sugar issues. Never been tested (no insurance and do NOT need to find a pre-existing condition, if you know what I mean!) but it is prevalent on BOTH sides of my family and I have all the symptoms. I'm sure it comes into play at times like that.

    The best thing about blogging? Finding out you aren't the freak you thought you were! Thanks for your honesty. The perfect people blogs just aren't as fun!

  3. I wish I had some better words of wisdom but all I can think to say is don't be too hard on yourself. You've done an AMAZING job of losing that much weight. You won't ruin that by eating wrong here or there and the fact that your choices are better than what they used to be is saying a lot too. The fact that you recognize the issues and your facing them is a huge part of the battle. Stick with it and be proud of what you've accomplished. I'm sure proud of you! :)

  4. Oh Missy! You KNOW I understand the anxiety issues. I've been there...only I do the opposite. I refuse to eat. Which isn't a good thing. I lost about five pounds last October during a week-long panic attack and have finally gotten my weight back up to "normal" for me.

    I think Jo is probably right about the blood sugar thing. I had a Belgian waffle for breakfast that totally threw me out of whack all day. I've been sluggish and shaky -- need more protein!

    Low blood sugar makes me nauseous, too. Sometimes I suck on almonds (love the salt) and eat them slowly when this kind of thing hits.

    And there is a huge pat on the back you need to give yourself: At least you ate BAKED potato chips! :o)

    (my coping mechanism in a panic attack is reading. I read a book to the exclusion of all else. Which isn't good when your family needs you to cook meals and keep clean clothes handy.)

    Hang in there, girl! And call me if you need to! Don't let Satan steal your joy. You and the Lord have accomplished a mighty thing, and the Lord won't desert you now.


  5. "now I feel oddly empowered when I I've 'gotten one over' on myself or something."

    Wow, that's just like me. I started (again) exercising last week, Tuesday, getting up before breakfast to do a dvd workout. I've done it every weekday morning all that week and this week. I sort of feel like doing it tomorrow, but -- I think I need to schedule weekends as non-exercise day precisely because of this self-sabotage thing. If I try to be seriously consecutive about exercising, I think I will rebel at some point. Scheduling days off might help.

    Every time we're at the school dining hall and I pass the counter with the cookies, it's a battle. I don't need it. They taste good. I don't need to deprive myself. I should eat in moderation. Who's to decide how frequent moderation should be. I can't even tell if I really want the cookie or not.

    The sense of obligation, of deprivation and punishment, is huge. It's a major obstacle in the way I'm trying to think about my health and fitness. I am convinced I need to learn how to make healthy choices out of a sense of self-love, and not out of fear or guilt or harsh discipline.

    For a while I considered sugar and white flour to be poisons. Now I'm thinking I need to consider them not good for me, and even somewhat harmful, but it's not the plague. Absolutes are easier in some ways, harder in others. But most of reality seems to be rather gray, and I think I need to fight to keep food choices a gray area.

  6. Wow, well said, Prochaskas. I think you've just given voice to a lot of our thoughts.

    Here's my progress report, Miss:
    14.5 lb. loss so far. I feel like I've worked for it, but not very hard. Hubby and I have been trying to make better choices, and keep everything in moderation. It makes for slower, but hopefully permanent, progress.

    Is your Hubs on board with the changes, or have you been going solo? I think it makes all the difference in the world to have a partner in this.

  7. Shauna~
    Hubby's on board, except he refuses to give up soda which is sabotaging him! He's lost weight too, not sure how much.

    Even Gabby has lost a few pounds...and grown a couple of inches at the same time! Healthy cooking is a GOOD thing and I feel terrible for not doing it sooner.

    Check you out with the 14.5 lbs!!!! That is amazing! I SO wish you'd start a blog, girl. That way I can cheer you on and whatnot. :) I agree that SLOW is GOOD.

  8. Marcy~
    I highly recommend you check out There are a TON of support groups and helpful articles, but best of all a calorie counter. Enter your food into it and build your treats into the plan. That is how I define moderation...a treat that doesn't take me five hundred calories above my limit!

    Oh, and everyone recommends days off of working out. Gives your body a much needed 'recovery' time. Keep us posted on your losses, too!

  9. MLBAH~
    Thanks for your encouragement! Sometimes it makes all the difference to have cheerleaders in your corner! :)

    I know you get me! Although, it stinks that you get to LOSE weight when things get bad. NO FAIR! :)

  10. I don't even own a scale, and don't want one. But if I notice a difference in how my clothes fit, I'll be sure to post that!

    I've had a few recommendations for various sites to help track and budget my food and exercise -- for whatever reason, I just don't WANT to do any of them. But I'll file your recommendation along with the others in case I change my mind -- thanks!

  11. Missy -
    I promise you, I think I'd rather NOT lose the weight during anxiety attacks. I don't have weight to lose and they'll put me in the hospital if too much comes off! (at least, that's what they did when I was pg right before I miscarried).

  12. Christie, I'm the same way with anxiety. I'll eat with depression, but when anxiety is high I can't eat. I lost all my pregnancy weight in the week after the birth because of panic attacks. Gained it all back later... but that was far too quick to lose that much weight.

    Missy, well, my snugger jean shorts don't feel nearly as tight as they used to! I wore them two days in a row just to make sure.