So last night, I totally binged. :(
I was suffering from my mental 'issues' again, this time in the form of a panic attack...something that happens often if I'm feeling sick, which I was. It started in the car after dropping my daughter off at her church group. I felt so nauseated all of a sudden, to the point of almost pulling the car over. For some reason, I eat when I feel this way. Like, as long as I'm eating I won't throw up.
I know, stupid. But it's a mental thing, not a rational thing.
Anyway, I get home and pop in a microwave meal and eat that. Better, but not great. I call hubby and ask him to please bring me a bag of Baked Lays when he comes home. (This after I had JUST told him the day before to STOP bringing chips home! Bless his heart, he knows me and just did it without protest.) My food-medication of choice used to be huge amounts of peanut m&m's, so Baked Lays is actually an improvement. Kinda.
I kid you not, I probably ate half that bag of chips before I felt good enough to stop. Oh, and a big handful of dark chocolate kisses, too.
I had already had a terrible eating day yesterday. My usual breakfast followed by microwave pizza for lunch -- something I usually save for dinner since it's higher in calories and fat than my normal lunches. Then I still felt hungry after that so I made two corn tortillas with cheese and some carrots and hummus. Oh, and a fiber bar later for a snack. Ugh.
Now, I know one day won't kill my whole diet, but it does make me feel more out of control, which is a bigger problem than a gained pound or two. In the first two and a half months of my diet I had NO cheating, NO binges, NO problems working out. Now? I struggle almost constantly. I used to feel so strong, now I feel weak. I used to feel empowered when I carefully monitored my calories, now I feel oddly empowered when I cheat...like I've 'gotten one over' on myself or something.
I know this is a pathetic post, but I'm trying very hard to honestly document my good days and my bad ones, so that I can look back and see patterns of what worked, what didn't, ect. Obviously all the dieting in the world won't fix my mental issues, but they are a part of me as much as my hormonal rhythms. Not my favorite parts of me, but they both play a part in me losing and keeping this weight off. To ignore them would be setting myself up for failure.
Here's hoping today is a better day...